I was thinking about an ex-boyfriend from long ago who used to struggle with performance anxiety and it got me wondering how many men are affected by this. So I did some research and spoke to some friends to find out how common it is and what the best treatment options are.
So, does your boyfriend have performance anxiety? He’s not alone and neither are you. According to Healthline, sexual performance anxiety affects 26 percent of adult men under 40. When I spoke to my girlfriends about this, those who were open enough to share with me, 2 out of 5 of us shared that our boyfriends sometimes struggled to get started or to finish.
Guys having sexual performance anxiety, especially at the beginning of a relationship is a lot more common than you think. Apart from the ex I mentioned above, I dated someone else who had had trouble with other partners. Obviously he didn’t admit it to me and we didn’t talk openly about it but there were signs. I’ll share a bit about what those signs are, how you can tell if this is a one-time thing or if it’s going to be a longterm problem, and what you can do to help him as a girlfriend.
Signs That Your Boyfriend Has Sexual Performance Anxiety
The very first sign that your boyfriend has sexual performance anxiety is, well, pretty obvious. You might be making out, then things get sexy, you get even more intimate, and then suddenly you realize that the sexy train is silently screeching to a halt and it gets mega awkward pretty fast.
The more sneaky signs are that he’ll kind of stop being intimate and pretend to have lost interest in you for the moment. This is a real douchebag move and it makes you feel like crap and self-conscious. Just know that he is doing this so you won’t realize that the problem is actually him and instead, you will blame yourself. If you spot this type of dishonesty in a guy from the beginning, just stay cautious.
Another sign that your guy has ED sometimes is that he’ll be really surprised and happy when things go well without any glitches. He’s super relieved that it hasn’t happened again to him and he’s very happy that you’re that one who helped him to not be anxious and lose his momentum. If this is his reaction, then this is not a longterm problem and you relax and can expect a happy ending most of the time.
How To Help Your Boyfriend With ED
The number one thing you can do to help your boyfriend or someone you are dating with ED or simple sexual performance anxiety is to, first of all, be comfortable with yourself. Just relax and don’t worry about what you’re wearing, whether you look fat, or whether he is judging your sexy moves. You can believe that he is loving it all, and when you feel good about what you’re doing, you will relax, and in turn, he will relax and the chances of him struggling to finish or finishing too early will be much less.
This is true especially at the beginning of a relationship.
If the problem persists, however, it’s crucial to figure out the root of the problem first so that you can seek the best treatment as a couple or he alone from an ED doctor or urologist. Ask yourself, is his performance anxiety linked to external conflicts or internal conflicts? Figuring this out will help you choose the right way to approach the topic with him.
Maybe he just has fears and apprehensions when it comes to sex because he has hyped it up too much or he thinks it’s the most important thing in a relationship. You can help him understand that sex is only a part of a healthy relationship and the entire thing doesn’t depend only on that.
If you think that speaking to a doctor and getting a prescription for ED medication would help him more, and help you both as a couple to spend more time being intimate, you should encourage and support him. Don’t make him feel like an old man or feel judged about it. You’re in this together and let him know that, because after all, the one who will benefit most from this is you!
How To Talk To Your Boyfriend About ED
Incorporating sex into a regular topic of conversation with your partner may seem a bit awkward at first, but opening up this line of communication is important for everyone, especially if one of you have anxiety about sex and it is affecting your relationship.
Start by privately talking to your partner about your likes, dislikes, sexual history, and other thoughts you have concerning sex, and be sure to ask about theirs. Sharing these feelings will deepen your connection and ultimately make your sexual experiences together more pleasurable.
I have to be honest though. I didn’t talk openly about my ex’s and my difficulty in this area with him. I wish I had. I don’t think it would have made us stay together because there were many other good reasons for us to split, but it might have helped us be more open and honest with each other.
If I had spoken to him openly about it, maybe I would have helped him be more himself and helped him feel more accepted. Maybe I had played a part in making him anxious and I didn’t want to acknowledge that, so I didn’t say anything. Or maybe I was simply uncomfortable to mention anything. Either way, I wish we had spoken about it.
Talking about your past sexual experience, partners, etc. and also about fears when it comes to sex or your partner cheating on you can make you feel uncomfortable for days. But speaking from experience, I have to say that talking about it will help you as a couple in the long run. You’ll be uncomfortable for a few days but it could buy you a few years together, so it’s worth it.
When I was recently thinking about how to heal a difficult karmic relationship, I wondered what the easiest way to do it is. That got me thinking, researching and reflecting, and this is what I came up.
So how do you heal karmic relationships? These are the 3 best ways for healing according to my research and experience.
Personally saying sorry and taking ownership
Asking for forgiveness in your heart, but only if you truly feel sorry
Stop thinking bad things about the other person (this is the easiest and at the same time the hardest one but I’ll explain more in detail below)
Different Types Of Karmic Relationships
Karmic relationships are not just limited to romantic relationships. Actually the biggest karmic relationships in your life are in your family. You have a long history of karma with your mother, father, sisters, brothers, your kids, and also your extended family.
You can also have karmic relationships with your classmates, with your boss and coworkers (watch my video on dealing with bullies at work), with friends of the same sex or opposite sex, people in your spiritual or religious community, and even with your neighbours.
Difficulties in Karmic Relationships
Every relationship has its ups and downs and this is especially true in the case of karmic relationships. If you are having a really difficult time with someone and you find that you keep hurting each other in a specific relationship, whether it is with your romantic partner, or whether it is with a friend, you can bet that you have some heavy karma from a past life (or even from earlier on in this life).
The good news is that you can heal this karma and heal your relationship. Even if you think that the relationship is not healed because you couldn’t go “back to the way it used to be” with someone, you can trust that healing occurred.
Often YOU will be the one who is healed from doing the work to heal a karmic relationship. That means even if on the surface you can’t go back to the way it used to be, you will be at peace with how the relationship has changed.
So, now let’s get into how to actually do the work to heal your karmic relationships.
Personally saying sorry and taking ownership to heal a karmic relationship
In order to make progress in healing any relationship, you have to first take ownership of the part you played in the whole thing going “wrong”.
That means if it’s a friendship that has gone bitter where you just don’t understand each other anymore, own up to the fact that you both have changed since the early days of your friendship. It’s not only your friend who is different and unrelatable now. Acknowledge that you have also grown and changed and that means that you have also grown apart in equal proportion.
If it’s a romantic relationship where it feels like you have drifted apart from your partner and you make each other feel miserable now, take ownership of how you have grown and changed as well and how are also acting in ways that your partner had not expected.
Saying sorry is not easy but it is the fastest way to break the ice, dissolve resentment, and progress healing in a karmic relationship.
Asking for forgiveness in your heart when you truly feel sorry
When saying sorry in person is just not possible because you aren’t able to contact the other person in the karmic relationship, then you can ask for forgiveness in your heart.
As I mentioned in a previous post, the key to this method is to truly and honestly feel sorry in your heart and to feel the remorse of having hurt another person.
When you can put yourself in the other person’s shoes and feel what they might have felt while you were having a fight, then you will be able to ask for forgiveness in your heart.
Here’s how you can ask for forgiveness in your heart. First step: Meditate. If you need a bit of help getting into a deep meditation, check out my free 5 day meditation course here. After your meditation, take a moment to visualize yourself in front of the other person, and then tell them you are sorry. That’s it; it’s that simple. It’s very similar to this scene in Eat, Pray, Love, and the effect is just as real. Real healing can happen when you ask for forgiveness in your heart.
Stop thinking bad things about the other person
This is the easiest and at the same time the hardest way for healing karmic relationships. The easiest because all you have to do is stop thinking bad things about the other person and stop wishing them unwell. At the same time, it is the hardest because it’s not so easy to control your thoughts and to control your mind.
My Guru Paramahamsa Vishwananda explains this very well. The power of the mind is huge. Scary huge, as he says in the video below.
But how do you control your thoughts? Well, again, meditation is a great tool and it has helped me the most in my personal healing journey. You can read all my posts on meditation here.
There’s an even more effortless way to stop thinking negative thoughts about someone you’re in a karmic relationship with. The trick is to focus on their positive qualities as well.
Focus on the positive qualities about the other person without being snarky and without secretly hating on them for being good at some things. Everyone has good and bad in them. You are not an exception and neither is the other person in your karmic relationship. So, focus on their positive qualities and acknowledge and if possible, try to admire them for it.
Controlling your thoughts and just stopping yourself before you think something negative about the other person in the relationship that you want to heal will have an instant effect on your karma.
Remember, there are two people in this relationship, so stop thinking negative things about YOURSELF as well. Beating yourself up and reminding yourself of all the things you did wrong is not going to heal anything.
Here are a few things that will help you to heal a karmic relationship.
Bullying doesn’t stop even after you become an adult. It’s a sad truth but the good news is that you can do something about it.
The fact is that there is a lot of bullying that happens in the workplace.
If you have ever been pushed around or bullied in your office or workplace, then you know how much it sucks and how much it can hurt when it happens.
Bullying in the workplace is actually more common than you think. So, it super important to be able to recognize when it’s happening and doing something about it! To protect yourself and to stop it from happening to others.
In this video, I talk about how to deal with bullying at work.
Get Help With Workplace Bullying
As a side note, when I got started in my whole self-help journey, one person that really helped me deal with a bullying at work situation is my career mentor, Alan Kay. He works with young people getting started in their careers and also with people like me, people in their 30s, to help them find direction and deal with difficult situations at work. Feel free to contact him and tell him that you heard about him from Ritu. I can’t recommend him enough!
Breaking up is not easy for some people, and I am one of those people. But I did have to break up with someone in the past and I wondered whether I would get bad karma for breaking up with him and for breaking his heart.
If you’re wondering whether you get bad karma for breaking someone’s heart, the short answer is yes, you do. Every time you hurt someone’s feelings, you get bad karma. But the long answer is that it depends on the karmic history you have together. It could be that your karma together as a couple is simply finished and you have no reason to be together anymore.
In this situation, it is natural to part ways. It could also be that this person had broken your heart in a past life and you are simply, karmically, getting even. Don’t think of it like getting even in a mean way but more like balancing your karma so that you can both be free. There’s more to it though, so let me explain with a few personal stories that will show you how karma works and what the karmic books say about this.
Many people act like their actions have no consequences, but you and I both know that there are always consequences and that every action has a reaction. This is a law of karma that happens to be just as real as the law of physics that says for every action there is a reaction of equal force. That means for everything you do to another person, especially in a break-up situation or when you have to break someone’s heart, there is a karmic consequence and a karmic debt is created.
You will eventually have to pay back this karmic debt. But don’t get scared because there’s a good reason behind it.
Do you get bad karma for breaking someone’s heart?
If you break someone’s heart, when you truly hurt someone’s feelings, this will come back to you. The most common way that it will come back to you is that you will have to feel the exact same pain that you caused the other person in almost the exact same way. It happened to me before and I can speak from experience that you will have to be in the place of the person who broke your heart and get your heart broken in the exact same way.
It’s not just a fancy quote, it’s a fact. You will never understand the damage you did to someone else until the same is done to you.
Why do you have to go through the same karma that you caused?
Well, it’s simple. The rule of karma goes like this: You get what you give. So if you’ve caused the experience of breaking someone’s heart, you get your own heart broken. And the amazing thing is that it will happen to you almost in the exact same way that you did it to the other person.
When you read my own story of karma in a romantic relationship, you will see that my heart was broken in almost the exact same way that I broke someone else’s heart more than 10 years before and I had to go through the same heartache as I had caused. It took me more than 2 years to heal from that heartbreak and I realize now that it had probably taken my ex from 10 years ago about the same amount of time to heal from the heartbreak I had caused.
But why does this happen?
I think that this happens because humans are experiential learners. When we experience something, the wisdom from that goes deep within us and integrates with our consciousness. This type of learning and understanding is much deeper than anything we can read in a book or hear a story about.
I believe that we choose to come to this planet to have experiences. We want to experience all that life has to offer because it is through experiences that we get the deepest understanding. Experience is worth a lot and that’s why senior managers earn more than young employees – because they have experience that they gained over a much longer period of time and through many more life and work experiences.
When we experience heartbreak in the same way that we gave someone a broken heart, we get to experience the other side of the story. This helps us to finally understand what we did and what kind of effect our actions had on another person.
What if the other person has broken your heart too?
What if you didn’t cold-heartedly break-up with someone just like that out of the blue? What if you had a good reason for it like the other person had already hurt you many times before you broke his or her heart?
Everything has a limit and there is a limit to how much you could take as well, so it is natural that after being hurt a certain number of times, you got fed up and decided to break things off for good. Of course, that’s totally acceptable, but there is still a consequence for your final action. The only way I can explain this is with a personal story.
My story of getting my heart broken
This goes back to the original story I shared about karma in relationships with my ex-boyfriend. We had dated for about 5 years, on and off. I had originally asked him out when I was 14. I was very innocent back then and quite naive and he was a jock, very masculine, and his closest friends were the cool athletic guys in school.
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After our summer break when we didn’t see each other at all, we came back to school and he broke up with me right away. I was 15 at the time, and to be honest, it did break my heart a little. I thought that I had given him so much and he just didn’t like me enough to want to be a couple or maybe his friends didn’t think I was cool enough.
Later in that school year, we somehow got back together again. I don’t remember who asked who out this time around but we were older and there was much more physical attraction between us this time around. But again, we broke up at the end of the year. Maybe because I didn’t want to come back to school after summer and get my heart broken again by him, or it was just a mutual decision, I don’t remember. It doesn’t mean that I didn’t hurt me or that it didn’t break my heart all over again.
At the end of our final year in high-school, we got back together again and we decided to go to the same university. Once we were in university, suddenly I was exposed to so many new people, new social circles, and met new interesting guys who didn’t just fit into the jock or nerd category but were much more interesting and multidimensional. Suddenly I wanted to experience more than what my reliable and predictable high-school boyfriend could provide. So, towards the end of our first semester at university, I broke up with him.
I know it crushed him.
I know it broke his heart into a million pieces.
I know that I hurt him beyond words can describe.
And I know that because, 10 years later, I experienced the same heartbreak from someone else.
Do all the small heartbreaks he caused me throughout high-school justify the big one I caused him in university? No, they don’t. I believe he had already paid back his karmic debt for those little heartbreaks through fights that we had had and through the process of breaking up and getting back together over and over again.
My friends tried to justify my final act of the big breakup by saying, “But he was so mean to you in high-school!” but in my heart, I know the real reason I broke up with him in the end. I wanted more experiences in dating and I wanted to meet new people who I could have those experiences with.
That was the root cause of the final breakup. And that’s the karma I carried with me until it came back around and I had to go through another breakup with someone else where he wanted new experiences rather than being in a reliable and predictable relationship with me.
So you see how all the little heartbreaks don’t justify the big one in the end because if I was 100% honest, I didn’t break off our relationship completely at the end because of the added up pain from all the little breakups. I did it because of a completely different reason and therefore the karma is unrelated to the little breakups.
What if you have a good reason for breaking someone’s heart?
I’m sure you’re not an evil person and you’re not just breaking someone’s heart for fun. You have a good reason for it like not being into the other person as much as they are into you, outgrowing the other person, or another valid reason. That’s totally OK but (unfortunately) you will still get karma from this breakup.
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You might think that this is unfair because after all, you have a good reason for doing this. Maybe the relationship just doesn’t work for you anymore. Maybe it hurts more to stay in it than to get out of it. And that’s all totally OK. The reason why you will still get karma from it is because of what I said earlier.
“You will never understand the damage you did to someone else until the same is done to you.”
It doesn’t make you a bad person. You simply have to experience the same breakup but from the other side in order to get the full picture. It might take some time until it comes back to you and you will get the chance to experience it from the other side. For me, it took 10 years but eventually I had the chance to experience what I did to my ex, first hand.
I really mean this and you need to trust me when I say: You are not a bad person for the karma you create from breaking someone’s heart. Even if you have hurt someone a lot because of this breakup or have had your heart broken terribly, you are not a bad person for it.
Think of it like an equation that needs to be balanced out on both sides. That’s how karma works. For everything “good” you’ve done, you’ll get the same goodness back and for everything “bad” you’ve done, you’ll get the bad stuff back.
That’s the good news. Karma doesn’t pick sides. It will return the good and the bad back to you equally.
How can you get rid of the karma if you’ve already broken someone’s heart?
Unfortunately, you can’t get completely rid of your karma but you can certainly speed up the time it takes for you to pay back your karmic debt. The best way to pay back the karmic debt you owe to someone is by asking for forgiveness from that person. This can be done in two ways:
Asking in person or contacting the person to ask for forgiveness
Asking for forgiveness in your heart, but really truly feeling sorry about it first so you mean it
Asking for forgiveness to get rid of karma
If you are going to ask someone for forgiveness in person, or in a message or email, then you have to be ready to receive some bitterness back. On one hand, the best case scenario is that it will be pleasant and you will say sorry, and the other person will say “It’s OK. It happened for a reason. Let’s forget it. It’s nice to hear from you by the way. Glad to hear that you’re doing well.”
On the other hand, they could still be holding onto resentment towards you and will react negatively towards you after receiving your message. They may decide to highlight all the ways that you hurt them, tell you all of their reasons why you are a bad person and what you did to them long ago was bad. They may spin it in a way that they were the dumb one to allow you to hurt them so badly, which is basically a passive-aggressive way to tell you that it’s all your fault and they are still not over it.
If this happens then the last thing you want to do is to go into defense mode and try to defend yourself. Do your best just to hear the other person out, give them an opportunity to vent and air out their feelings and then respond with something very short like, “I understand and I mean it when I say sorry. Wishing you all the best.” Just keep it short. The other person might get even angrier but they will get the hint that you just wanted to apologize and not necessarily reopen old wounds and start a new fight. If they message you again with something rude, just ignore it.
I have to be honest and say that I have not yet asked for forgiveness in person, face-to-face. The thought of it makes me really nervous and seeing the person from my past may awaken feelings that I don’t want to deal with anymore. I have messaged ex-boyfriends asking for forgiveness and also old friends who I knew I had hurt and it went both ways as I mentioned above.
Getting rid of karma by saying sorry in your heart
The second method of speeding up balancing your karmic debt is by asking for forgiveness in your heart. If you’ve read the book Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, you will know that she had used this method when resolving her conflict with her ex-husband, and according to the book, it worked.
The key to this method is to truly and honestly feel sorry in your heart and to feel the remorse of having hurt another person. Often you feel this when you go through a similar experience of heartbreak that you caused the other person. When that happens, you automatically feel true and honest remorse in your heart. When you feel it, you can go into meditation and after your meditation, you can take a moment to visualize yourself in front of the other person, and then tell them you are sorry.
I have tried this method before and I know it works. I had been struggling to let go of my guilt about treating an ex-boyfriend in a certain way. I was struggling with this so much that I even had a cranio-sacral therapy session to deal with my feelings. In the session, as I went into a meditative state, I came face-to-face with him and had to communicate with him so that I would have a deeper understanding of what was causing me the guilt and whether it was a legitimate reason or whether I was taking on something that wasn’t even an issue from his side. After this meditation, I felt relieved from this burden I had been carrying around for 4 years and was finally able to let go and be free from that guilt. I believe that by “meeting” my ex in meditation and asking saying sorry in my heart helped to dissolve this particular karma I had with him because I finally came to an understanding of why what happened between us had to happen.
After this meditation, I felt relieved from this burden I had been carrying around for 4 years and was finally able to let go and be free from that guilt. I believe that by “meeting” my ex in meditation and asking saying sorry in my heart helped to dissolve this particular karma I had with him because I finally came to an understanding of why what happened between us had to happen.
So, you see that even if you have bad karma for breaking someone’s heart, you also have many ways in which to balance your karmic debt and make things right again.
Now I want to hear from you. Do you feel like you have bad karma for breaking someone’s heart? What did you do and how do you feel that the karma is affecting your life now? Put it in the comments below.
If you think that this post might help someone who is struggling with guilt from breaking up with someone, please forward it to them. You might be helping ease someone’s pain more than you know.
You have to deal with a friend you don’t like anymore. Don’t worry, it happens to most people. It’s natural that as you grow and evolve, you will drift apart from some friends and make new friends who are different.
Does this sound familiar? You have someone in your life who used to be a good friend but then something happened, something is off now and it doesn’t feel the same. It could simply be because the karma between they two of you is over.
But you are trying to still hang out and are polite with each other. Well, here is why you shouldn’t pretend to like each other when deep inside, you both know that you don’t like each other.
Don’t waste any more time on this “friendship”! Want to know why?
Here are 3 ways to deal with a friend you don’t like anymore
You are both feeling awkward towards each other so it’s better not to pretend.
Look, there is a good chance that your friend is feeling awkward about this too, just as much as you. Even though you both are pretending you want to meet up and catch up, you both are really not up for it. If you are feeling it, she is too. So save both of yourselves the awkwardness.
Your friend might be bad-mouthing you behind your back.
She is probably saying bad things about you to other people behind your back. Why would you want to hang out with someone like that? You are probably also being fake by being all smiley and cordial and polite. Stop it. Being fake is not a good thing. It’s not a good look. Don’t do it.
Trust your gut feeling about your friend.
If you are feeling weird, just don’t go ahead with your plans to meet up with a friend you don’t like anymore. LISTEN to that FEELING in your GUT that is like, “Eew, I really don’t want to see her but I feel like I have to.”
NO. you don’t have to do anything.
Tell her that you can’t see her. Make up an excuse if you have to. She will understand, and you both will be better for it.
Now a question for you: Do you have a friend who you’re not totally sure if you want to see again but because of politeness you kind of are going along with it? If yes, then put it in the comment below why you feel you have to see her.
Once you write it out, it will help you to decide actually whether you want or need to see her or not.